Help! Inherited stuff, gifts, things I've had for so long. How do you get rid of it without regret? Lots of people take pictures, etc. Sometimes I think my house looks like other people decorated it.
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Posted 2 years ago #
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I don't know how to answer your question, but I do want to say this: sometimes I think my house was decorated by other people too! My sister at one point decided that I like tigers (they're fine, just not especially wonderful), so she started bringing me home tiger knick knacks. I have tiger salt and pepper shakers, tiger mouse pads, tiger piggy banks, tiger stuffed animals... it's a bit overwhelming. I would never choose to own any of these things, but I really appreciate the love my sister was expressing when she gave them to me. My mother also buys me things; usually they're useful and pretty, but never once have they been to my taste.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Sentimental clutter is my biggest issue. I find it very hard to part with items that were once owned by someone special to me.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Amen. And for the record, taking pictures of things doesn't seem to work for me. You can look at it, but it's not the same as being able to hold the physical whatsit. A picture is just a way of making me regret even more. I tend to be of extremes. It's either here, or it exists only in my memory. Problem is, I have trouble letting go of some things. The problem is magnified tenfold by my spouse, who has emotional attachments to everything. Le sigh. :)
Posted 2 years ago # -
I also have a very hard time with this. My mother passed away when I was 9, her mother when I was 14. I inherited so many things from her, many things that I love and want to keep (but need to find a better way to preserve and manage, like her old journals and scrapbooks) and many things that I don't really want to keep, but don't know what to do with and feel guilty about getting rid of.
I also have many things that my father handmade for me while I was growing up, like a carved child's mirror with my name on it, that I have no place for or use for, but it kills me to think about getting rid of them. I am working on it by getting rid of things slowly, and finding new homes for things when I can. I know it's less efficient, but it's so much easier to get rid of things without guilt when I can find someone else who wants them.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I haven't lost a parent, but my grandfather passed away a couple years ago. I have a box of his clothes that I cannot bear to part with because when I open the box, it smells like him. I don't go looking for the box, and when it is out of sight it is out of mind. However, when I do come across it, I always open it and smell the clothes. In fact, I've kept them boxed up all this time so that they wouldn't lose his scent. I know it might sound strange, but it is comforting to me.
Now I am feeling like I should get rid of these items. I think I am going to try to arrange them in a manner that I can take a really nice photo of the items together (I am a photographer, so I hope to do something beautiful with them) and then let go of them. I might keep just one in the back of my closet so that I can smell them every now and then.
When I really think about it, I am sure that if Gramps knew I was keeping a box of his clothes he would tell me it was silly. He would probably laugh at me.Posted 2 years ago # -
Katewilson, Gramps would not laugh! He knows how much you love him. I think it's wonderful how you smell his clothes to remind you of him. Definitely keep one, but also leave yourself open to be in touch with him in other ways. Watch for signs!
Hellogillian, it doesn't hurt to keep some items that belonged to your parents or that they made for you. Those things are a tangible reminder of their love. If you love it, it is not clutter. A painting on the wall serves no real purpose other than decoration, but if you love it, it is a treasure and not clutter. It is nice to not have a lot of clutter, but we all need to keep some items that we love.
Posted 2 years ago # -
My mother-in-law just moved into assisted living. She had a large amount of belongings for me to deal with. I have had two living estate sales. (It rained during the first one.) Many of the left over items, I have already taken to a battered women's shelter thrift store. I still have items left that I'm planning on selling on ebay to bring her extra income.
Clutter has always been a problem for me, especially sentimental paper clutter. Cards, letters, etc.
Oddly, since I have been moving towards selling things on ebay, I have found myself very excited. If I like it, I may turn it into a job. Clutter may become my living. I may have to finally embrace it to be happier. If I can make money dealing with clutter, maybe I have truly conquered it, even though there may be a continous flow of it. LOL!
Posted 2 years ago # -
I had more sentimental paper clutter than I do now. Years ago we moved into a house we had just bought and gave ourselves a week to be set up enough to have a house-warming party. Several (unopened) boxes went into the lawn locker and some others went into the garage. You know the saying, "out of sight..."
About 18 months later there was flash flooding and our lawn locker had a few inches of water go through but, because we had forgotten what was in there, we didn't worry. 6 months after that we were looking for particular photos - guess what we found in the lawn locker?! Oh, my, they stank! Some negatives could be partially rescued at least.
A while later I was introduced to Creative Memories and have since become a CM consultant. At some point I'll be scanning old letters to either reprint on our paper to put in a traditional scrapbook-style album or put into our digitally-created StoryBooks. In fact, thinking of it now, I could do StoryBooks where I just have one or two pictures of the person and the rest of the book is filled with images of the letters they wrote. :-)
@Ava Lind: I know about collections that other people just about create for you - I had a few quirky bottles and key-rings. People assumed that since I had a hoarding tendency (picked up from Dad and things I read) that these were "collections" and proceeded to give me more! And so they did become collections. I ditched most of the bottle collection years ago (gave it away) and am giving most of the key-rings to another friend this move (moving in 4 weeks!).
@Sky: Getting rid of things without regret? At some point you have to decide whether that "stuff" is "you" (fits with your internal image of yourself). If it doesn't and the person who gave it to you is still alive, consider letting them know that you appreciate the thought but as you can't keep everything, some things have to go. Ask them if they would prefer to take it back or for you to sell it / give it away.
Some people will act offended at the thought of your giving away something that THEY gave you. That's their vanity and conceit and their problem. Your job is to remember who you are, what your boundaries are, that you do NOT want this stuff and it IS going one way or another.
If the person is not alive, consider offering the items to other family members or friends of the person. Also consider whether the beloved would have wanted YOU to drown in THEIR stuff. If they were a truly gracious and loving person the answer would be "NO!" If no-one else who was close to the person wants it, sell it (your loved one would probably be happy for you to get some use, even if "merely" financial from their gift) / give it to charity or dump it.
@hellogillian: Know another little girl named Gillian (assuming that's the name) who would treasure a mirror with her name on it? You could give it to her with a note about the back story to it and hope that she'll do likewise when she is an adult and no longer needs it. It could become an inter-family (rather than the regular intra-family) heirloom.
Another CM plug - we have keepsake boxes designed to keep those memorabilia things that don't fit in albums. Find a consultant near you by going to http://www.creativememories.com and ask about these, they may be suitable for your memorabilia with which you can't part.
Posted 2 years ago # -
it was funny....when my mother went into assisted living, i offered..i BEGGED my family to take some pieces from her home....instead i had to empty it all myself and freecycled most of it. once she died people started asking..what ever became of such and such a piece? oh i would have wanted that. i have some nasty words for those people. now they are all greedy for her christmas decorations knowing that i don't indulge. it would serve them right if i just gave them to the local church.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Katewilson- when my grandparents passed away one of my aunt's took a few of their denim shirts they wore a lot and made small mittens out of them to hang on the christmas tree. Now I have a small memento of something that reminds me so much of them that takes up minimal storage room and means so much to me every time I unpack it in December. I also took my grandpa's old overalls and made a scarecrow with them that we put out each October for Halloween.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Erasergirl, my MIL just went into assisted living in the summer, so I know what you are going through. Her daughters did take some stuff, but the arguing about who gets what was not good! We had made a list two years earlier, but one of the sisters changed her mind and caused problems.
Guess who is now having to deal with the rest of it? Me, the DIL! It's okay. I'm learning a lot about estate sales, craigslist, and ebay! :)
Posted 2 years ago # -
Claycat - my brother and I argued about who HAS to take things..neither of us wanted anything.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Kate, what about a window box frame with those items? They can be hung and seen and loved with honour without piling in the basement. I plan to do this with some sweet little sweaters I have of my kids. Something like this:
http://www.michaels.com/art/online/displayProductPage?productNum=fr0410&channelid=
In store they have some really large ones.
I have purged SO much stuff, but I am struggling with one thing. I took my box of discarded Christmas stuff to the thrift store today....but I just could NOT bring myself to take the 2 boxes of Winter/Christmas dishes I have. They are not my favourite, but my Mom gave them to me a few Christmases ago and I could see her asking where they are on Christmas Eve. I don't know how I would respond. I guess I'm a chicken.
I used to have 3 boxes in the set (4 place settings per box!), but one cup smashed from the one, so I did thrift store that last year.
I could probably let them go if I had a response for her, but I can't seem to come up with one that doesn't sound horribly ungrateful because she was convinced that I would love them. Apparently at 35 I still really care what my mother thinks. :)
Posted 2 years ago # -
Ava Lind, maybe you could tell your sister sometime that your tastes have changed and you're no longer into tiger decorating. Let her know that you'll be donating the entire collection to charity and you want to know if she'd like any of it first. Might work :)
Posted 2 years ago # -
krootrn, I LOVE the idea of making a Christmas ornament out of a loved one's clothing!
All of you are motivating me to finally go through all those things I've been holding onto for years -- thanks!
Posted 2 years ago # -
Here's my two cents worth!
1. If photos don't do it for you, make a collage and frame it with material from clothing that has meaning to you, arrange some of the collectibles in it, perhaps your parent smoked a pipe, collage the pipe and include it. Do the same with postcards or letters, you can shadow box them and have a wonderful item on the wall (clearing drawer or floor space) that you can look at every day!
2. It is ok to tell your family and friends, thanks, I no longer collect tigers and my tastes are changing. I am going to select a few of the ones I love the most and then donate the rest so another tiger lover can enjoy them!
3. My mother has the knack of always sending me gifts that are totally out of alignment with my taste. Actually, she no longer sends gifts, she buys items and then hoards them. However, my best friend would come over when I got a box from my mother, I'd open it, and then Pam would usually find things that she liked among the gifts and I handed them over! The rest were given away. I had no guilt, I appreciated the thought and effort, and felt no compunction to hold on to items I did not like.
Life's too short to surround oneself with things that don't resonate for you!
@zchristy, I understand it's difficult to tell your mother you would prefer to let go of her gift to you. My mother is over 1,000 miles away and has not visited me in years (she is 80 years old). So I don't have to be concerned with her dropping in to visit and asking about the gifts she has given me and where they are.
I tell my friends when I give them a present that I will understand if it is not their taste or if they have another, and they are free to return it or regift to someone else. My feelings are not hurt, I want them to know I thought of them and that's all the present is meant to be...a reminder and recognition of our friendship.
Posted 2 years ago # -
"I want them to know I thought of them and that's all the present is meant to be...a reminder and recognition of our friendship."
A lovely thought.
When my father died, my mother decided to give their entire library to the university where they had both worked. That was three rooms emptied straight away. My brother decided to buy their house but our mother (who was moving in with an old friend in town, we lived in the country) insisted on clearing everything out first, unless we specifically wanted something.
The one thing my brother wanted was the contents of my father's small, but selective, wine cellar. Our father would not allow anyone to touch or drink any of the bottles and it was a bit of a bone of contention. Our mother kept the wine, saying she intends to empty the contents of the wine cellar herself, bottle by bottle. And she is enjoying every drop. :D
Posted 2 years ago # -
LOL! I'm glad your mother is enjoying the wine!
Posted 2 years ago # -
zchristy - tell your mother that some things no longer fit (physically / metaphorically) in your house so you're looking at your options. Tell her that you appreciate that she wanted to set you up with nice china but it doesn't work for you / you need "everyday" china only; would she mind if it went to another home. Give her the option of suggesting someone else who might be interested in it.
She might surprise you - most people don't want to intentionally burden their loved ones. You just need some words to let her know that you appreciate her kindness and it's not a rejection of the relationship.
Posted 2 years ago #
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