is it just because i dont know how?

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is it just because i dont know how?

(18 posts) (13 voices)

Started 2 years ago by kannie
Latest reply from Laetitia in Australia
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kannie
Member

i have always lived in the thick of mess- piles and pathways- dirty laundry, clean laundry, 1/2 finished crafty projects, filthy dishes- you name it. i was this way, even as a little kid... i wasn't really bothered by the fact that my friends couldn't come over because my room wasn't clean- instead of cleaning my room i would just shove things around enough that there was space for me to make some more mess.

but now i am creeping up on 30 and i have been living on my own for a decade and i am starting to be really bothered by the fact that my little friends can't come over to play and i can't really cook myself dinner because there isn't a pot clean enough to cook and then eat out of...

What is it that's wrong with me? i used to think that that having my things in order just wasn't important- to me and if it ever did become important - to me i would be able to just get right to it.

NOT TRUE.

i need my life to change i want it to change and i feel absolutely powerless to do anything to really change it, or myself.

Please someone help me.

Posted 2 years ago #
misskittin
Member

Baby steps Kannie :) I know I've felt this way for sure. Have you checked out flylady? What really works for me though, is breaking things down into what I can do today, in the next hour. Then write some post it notes with what chores you need to do. Put the post it notes in an irritating place. The bathroom mirror? The fridge? As you complete each thing, you can take down the post it note and throw it away. I get a sense of accomplishment from it, and I bet you will too.
Also if you're trying to declutter and feeling really attached ask yourself about each item. Do I love it? Is it helping me lead the life I want?

Posted 2 years ago #
zchristy
Member

Hang in there, Kannie. I agree - baby steps. Do one shelf or something a day and it will all add up. Make it something you see every day so you'll be motivated when you look at it.

First, sort. Get rid of things you no longer use or need. Be honest with yourself about what you will really be able to finish or use regularly. You don't want to organize junk.

Second, for what is left that you are keeping, give it a home. Put like things together. If everything has a place, then it's easy to put things away.

Take care.

Posted 2 years ago #
Lori Paximadis
Member

Kannie, you can do it. I was a total messy teenager, with the narrow pathways and stuff all over the bed and all that, then one day decided I was sick of the mess and started working on changing it. I still fight it sometimes (see: desk, workbench...), especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed or down about things in general.

Like the others said, baby steps, one small chunk at a time. One drawer. One shelf. The bathroom counter. The kitchen sink. Pick one. Arm yourself with a trash bag, a donate box, a recycle box, and a "doesn't belong here" box, then pick small area and start.

Expect it to take time, because it will. You didn't make the mess in one day, and there's no way you're going to get it cleaned up in one day.

Is there a trusted friend or relative you can invite to help you stay on track? Someone who won't be judgey or distracting, but someone you can trust to help you make decisions about stuff, or even just be there for moral support?

Motivation is half the battle, and it sounds like you're ready to make a change (just overwhelmed with the challenge). We're rooting for you.

Posted 2 years ago #
MsDasha
Member

Kannie, here's another vote for baby steps! I say work on habits one month at a time. Pick one habit, such as having all dishes clean before you go to bed, or having all your laundry done and all clothes put away before bed, and do it every day. Start on a weekend so you can spend the first day catching up and then maintain. Print out a calendar page and give yourself a check (or a sticker!) for every day you did your new habit. Do other things as you can, but really only focus on your one habit - you can't change everything at once. The next month, pick another habit and work on that while still maintaining the first one. I know this seems like it would take forever, but I have tried changing everything at once and it just doesn't work out that way - it's too hard!

Keep posting here and we'll help with the specifics. If you want, you can also email me (dashalovesyou at gmail) and I can give plenty of advice and encouragement (I'm also around your age, too) if you need a declutter/housekeeping buddy :)

Posted 2 years ago #
MsDasha
Member

I just wanted to clarify that it while it is important to unclutter and get rid of stuff, it sounds like you don't have proper routines in place. Everything in you life that is cyclical - eating, clean clothes, sleeping - you should have a routine for. I would say that you should focus on creating the routines, and schedule in decluttering time in there as well. But decluttering alone without the routines won't help!

Posted 2 years ago #
bandicoot
Member

already lots of great ideas posted here, so i won't reiterate.
i just wanted to add my support.
o and it might be a good idea to self-impose a no-shopping month.
you can buy food of course, but see if you can go for a month without buying any new "stuff".
i did this in november and it was great! and much easier than i thought it would be.
another trick is to make a compact with yourself: for every new item that you bring into the house, you have to let two others go. (go = donate, recycle, trash).
good luck in your endeavours.

Posted 2 years ago #
Sky
Member

We are all here to help you. Lots of good advice and tips already so I'll just say, take it slow, one drawer or space at a time. Also, Erin's book and Peter Walsh's books are wonderful. It's a process and takes time but you can do it.
Flylady.com is very helpful too.
Keep us posted!

Posted 2 years ago #
nellieb
Member

Kannie, thanks for putting yourself out here, we are all eager to help and see you succeed!

I'm a professional organizer. My company is called "Drawer by Drawer" because this is how I start my clients...take a small area, a drawer, the floor of your smallest closet, one kitchen cabinet, something that is managable and that can be done within 15 - 30 minutes. Understand that you'll end up sorting each area more than once. The first time is a gross sort, you're moving out stuff quickly and you will end up getting rid of a lot. It slows down but the process still works when you go through your home the 2nd and 3rd time.

As you sort, ask yourself these questions:

--when was the last time I used this? (if it's been more than a year, move it out)

--do I like it? (if no, get rid of it!)

--has it ever been used? (if no, how long have you had it? Can it be returned for store credit? Can you gift it to someone?)

--does it work? (if not, take to be repaired or recycle)

--how many of this item do I have and need? (depends what item is, usually we have too many duplicates around and can eliminate some of them)

Here's something else I do with clients who have a lot of clutter in their homes (i.e., no clear pathways)...get some plastic storage bins, start in one room, and throw everything into them. Then push the bins out of the room, stand there, and feel how great it is to have an entire room that is clutter free! Resist bringing anything else into that room! You will sort through the bins at your leisure. If you find the bins still there in a month and you have not opened them, you probably don't need what's inside!

Find a friend...or better yet, hire an organizer! You'll be motivated to clear clutter when you're paying someone for their advice and help! You can find a professional organizer by checking out the listings at http://www.napo.net. Many organizers will give you a short complementary consultation.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

Posted 2 years ago #
AJ
Member

Great advise from the others.

Are you a visual person? I am and I found visualling what I wanted each room to look like very useful. It helped me to get rid of stuff - "That's not in my vision for this room so it's gone".

Posted 2 years ago #
Claycat
Member

Kannie, I wish you success with uncluttering! I recognize some of those feelings you are having. You can get past them!

Posted 2 years ago #
kannie
Member

Thank you all so much. I can’t tell you how overwhelmed I was when I saw how many thoughtful responses there where to what I had written in a moment of frustration. To tell the truth, I laughed at myself after posting it- I read it and I laughed at what I a baby I was being. But as I read through your responses this morning things got very serious, and when I read my original post again I almost cried. This is really anything but funny. If I wasn’t at work I would be scrubbing my dishes right now. Instead- maybe I will work up a list of short & long term goals. I’ll thank you all in advance for your help- Be sure I’m going to need it.
THANK YOU. thank you.

Posted 2 years ago #
Sky
Member

Kannie....Good for you! Once you get started you may find you can't quit! It is very freeing to declutter.

Posted 2 years ago #
zchristy
Member

Keep in touch, Kannie! We're all rooting for you and would love to follow your success.

Posted 2 years ago #
Claycat
Member

Kannie, please use this thread as your challenge thread! Give us updates about your progress, and we will cheer you on! And...maybe somewhere along the way, you will post photos of your progress. We would love to see how it's coming!

Posted 2 years ago #
Nina
Member

Dear Kannie, I'm sure there are a lot of other people like yourself but you've made the first important step to realise that you want to change your habits and the way you live. And from reading Unclutterer over the years it can give you good tips where to start and what to do to make your life easier.

I would say first maybe sit down and make a list of things you'd like to change and accomplish, for instance having a tidy and clean (enough) kitchen and living room to invite friends for dinner. And then start with small things like for instance always tiding up the kitchen before going to bed. I've realised myself that the whole day starts different if you can make a cup of tea in the morning without having to navigate dirrty dishes.
You will see how this seemingly small change will motivate you to do more. Good luck and this forum is a great place to get motivation aswell!

Posted 2 years ago #
Another Deb
Member

Kannie,
You have made the most important step, which is deciding to change!

What helps me is to see the way other people handle their own organization. Years ago I remember asking a super-busy person how she got it all done. He first comment is that she gets up in the morning and makes her bed before she does anything else. This stuck with me so much that I started doing it and it became automatic and a real psychological boost in my life since the unmade bed would mess with my serenity each time I saw it.

Just a month ago I saw a school counselor using a spiral notebook to organize her day's conversations by phone. I asked her to explain her system and was able to use a custom version of the spiral system to simplify my classroom documentation of student interactions.

Gems of wisdom, inspiration, handy hints, motivation.... keep applying what you can and adding more as you can integrate them.

Posted 2 years ago #
Laetitia in Australia
Member

Good on you kannie for posting this - it can be hard for many to admit that they need to change particularly on a public forum.

When I was a child, I had EVERYTHING (stuffed toys, books, clothes) on the end of my bed. It drove my sister nuts as we had bunk beds and mine was on top - she was always afraid that she was going to get beaned my my stuff. Then she made an executive order that we had to take it in turns to clean the room every weekend and that meant changing the sheets, tidying the top of the shared dresser, sweeping and mopping the floor - no leeway to hide stuff under the bed!

Then I moved my "bedroom" to another part of the house and reverted to my junky ways during my teens. :-) However, I at least had the skills to clean if I so chose. I got past the junky stage when in my mid-20s I got tired of tripping over my own stuff.

So I'm curious as to whether your parents/caregivers ever did teach you how to take care of yourself and your goods properly (a loose term defined differently according to one's clutter tolerance). If not, see if you can find a local trusted friend whose house-care you like and ask them for guidance.

Posted 2 years ago #

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