Emotions Associated to Uncluttering.

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Emotions Associated to Uncluttering.

(17 posts) (15 voices)

Started 2 years ago by springlj
Latest reply from needtocleanhouse
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springlj
Member

I have slowly warmed up to uncluttering my life, and put a big dent in it this past weekend by gathering and taking many things to the Goodwill. One thing that really opened my eyes was the 45 minute conversation that started when my husband suggested I include a small nightstand in the pile of items to take. The nightstand was in great condition, but very basic and cheap. It has been moving from room to room to room since we moved into our house three years ago - still had the moving stickers on it. It was from Ikea and probably cost about $20.

I had a lot of resistance to parting with it and it was like a scene from Hoarders where the therapist (my husband) rationalizes why it will be okay to part with it. But the truth is that I was really sad to give it away. It was one of my first pieces of furniture at my first apartment and I got anxious and a little combative when he initially suggested we part with it. Eventually I agreed, but we spent almost an HOUR talking about this one thing.

Does anyone have a method of quelling the emotions that come up when faced with uncluttering? A mantra? A process? A checklist?

I have some additional items of this significance and would love to hear your input on how you deal with the emotions that come up when decluttering.

Posted 2 years ago #
MsDasha
Member

I wish I had something more specific to tell you, but the thing that helped me most was envisioning the life and home that I want to have and asking whether the item fits in with that vision. It helps that I was mostly getting rid of stuff from my later childhood and teenage years, which weren't very happy, to make room for my new married life :)

Also, I think as you keep going, it will get easier.

Posted 2 years ago #
ExpatTX
Member

Erin has used a phrase in her blog that always resonates with me in these situations. It goes something like, "It's a piece of furniture that belonged to your grandmother, it's not your grandmother." Try reminding yourself that it's an inanimate object. Learning to enjoy your memories, without needing the object associated with that memory, I think, is a huge step in this process and it takes time. I also find that I get increasingly annoyed with something that doesn't "fit". The table kept moving around because there wasn't a good spot for it - when this happens to me - the thing begins to feel more and more like clutter and I start to lose whatever emotional attachment I had and just want it gone.

Posted 2 years ago #
zchristy
Member

My thought process is like this. When I'm deciding whether or not to keep something, I ask myself some questions.

- Do I really love this, or do I keep this because I think I should (It was a gift or belonged to someone I loved)?
- Will I really use this thing (and not just in theory)?
- Is this the best place for it, or would it be more utilized in a different room (For example…while a rocking chair emotes a feeling of warmth and comfort, how practical is it when my wrestling little boy gets it in the head and floor space is at a premium)?
- Would this be better loved or used by someone else that I love?

It helps me to think this way because I start thinking critically and with less emotion. Hope it helps.

Posted 2 years ago #
MellieTX
Member

I unclutter when I'm angry. I can be sentimental but that is not a factor when I'm angry, so I've found its a great time to go through the house and pick out some things that need to go. Not that I'm suggesting anger on purpose, just a good way for me to redirect it. Never regretted anything I got rid of that way.

Posted 2 years ago #
Bobbi
Member

We need to remember that sometimes de-cluttering involves a grieving process. While there is much to gain, something will be lost. The list of losses includes but is not limited to: dreams of accomplishment that aren't going to happen; "what could-have-been; what once was but is no longer (i.e. a failed relationship, the good ol' days); familiarity (we are used to our stuff); giving up the "I can do everything" self-vision; - you get the picture. It is healthy to realize that although we are weary of being surrounded with clutter, our souls and hearts needs attention, too.
This kind of grief is not on the same level as losing a loved one, but it still needs to be recognized and respected. The grief is also not relative to the monetary value of the item(s) being purged. It's what they represented to us that needs to be looked at.

Posted 2 years ago #
tishamorris
Member

I often advise clients to ask yourself questions surrounding the particular item. For items that you have a hard time letting go of, there is something more there than the item, per se. So, for example, with the nightstand, there's some emotional attachment that is beyond just the nightstand. Ask yourself questions to get to the root of why you are really wanting to hang onto it. Once the real reason is revealed or brought to the surface of your awareness, then you will most likely be okay with releasing it. Awareness is power!

Posted 2 years ago #
Nina
Member

I agree with you Bobbi, that getting rid of things can trigger grief and even more so if the things you are going through actually belonged to someone you've lost. I lost my parents at an early age so I had and still have a lot of things that were theirs. Luckily I could continue living in the same place after my mother died (my father died a few years before) and it gave me the time to part with things by and by. After a few years I moved to a new place and took this as an opportunity to go through all the things and I got rid of a lot. Gave things away, sold some things or threw/recyled things that were broken. And as painful as the process of going through things was, I felt lighter and better at the end. I kept mostly personal items like letters of pictures, but it also felt good to have a new start at a new place with less things. Because you do have to let go of the old if you want to make room for new things. Just remember that getting rid of a THING does not take away the memory of what you associate with it.

Posted 2 years ago #
BA Williamson
Member

My father died in January of 1998 and my mother in April of 2006. I spent that whole summer after her death going through her house, filled a 30 foot long commercial dumpster to the brim, and finally got the most meaningful belongings pared down to just 18 sturdy boxes—which I promptly left in a storage locker in Ohio and went back home to California. It took me THREE YEARS to get up the energy and motivation to get back there and finish the job of sorting out those last remnants. I ended up paying almost $2000 over that time to keep things I later threw away. So first I had to let go of the emotions of guilt, shame, and embarrassment at not dealing with all that stuff when I "should have". Then I dived in to that final sorting with great enthusiasm, reduced the pile of boxes to just four, and gave or threw the rest of the stuff away—all in just two and a half days! When I got on the plane to fly back home I felt like I could take a full breath for the first time in years. Now, like an archaeologist, I am lovingly digging through the precious layers of my family's history and really appreciating the scrapbooks, photos, and letters that remain. The emotions I am feeling in this process are much different (and I think healthier) than the ones I was feeling while I was avoiding dealing with all the clutter.

Posted 2 years ago #
georgetownsandi
Member

Very thoughtful posts-thanks! Sometimes having a kind friend along for the queries helps as well - BA, going through that process alone was awfully rough for you - don't beat yourself up for the delay and $$ you spent...you went through that process at just the right time for yourself.

I ask clients "What does this mean to you?" when they're having difficulty uncluttering. The story behind the item reveals the reason it's hard to release it. Then I ask them if that story fits with their lives today and with the future they are building. Sometimes just a picture of the item is good enough to bring the story along with them. Another way to help give up an item is to give it to someone else who has nothing -- "blessing" another with an unused item just plain feels good!

Posted 2 years ago #
BA Williamson
Member

Georgetownsandi, thanks for your kind words of support. Taking pictures of some of my family's items is exactly one of the techniques that has helped me stop agonizing so much over throwing some actual thing away. Your words that "just a picture of the item is good enough to bring the story along with them" are a perfect way to frame that process.

Brooks Palmer has a consistent theme in all his writing about clutter busting, and that is extreme kindness toward ourselves as we struggle to rid our lives of what is no longer needed. Probably 80% of the emotions connected with my own clutter busting have to do with the resistance to the process and the way I often beat myself up for not doing it "right". I have learned and continue to learn that there is no right way to do any of this. We just have to stay closely connected with how we are feeling all along the way, honor those feelings, and find out which ones of them are clutter, too.

Posted 2 years ago #
Bobbi
Member

One of my motivations for purging the unnecessary is the love I have for those who will outlive me. I do not want my children to have to deal with mountains of junk and unused items. As you can guess, I have experienced this with loved ones who have passed on. There will still be a houseful of possessions that are used in daily life but I make it a point to let them know that "they are just dishes, nothing special" or "Don't even spend time going through those boxes of paper. The important papers are in the file drawers." (Hopefully "those boxes of paper" will have disappeared by then. I have identified the family heirlooms or items of interest and who else might want them if they don't. This is especially important with genealogy research. Photos are being scanned and distributed to cousins, etc. Boy, it would be nice to have as much unfinished business taken care of as is possible!

Re: the aforementioned loved ones were ill for a long time before they died. Seventy- and eighty-year-olds who have had a stroke or cancer treatment do not have the physical capability or decision-making strength to sort through their stuff even if they want to (and they did - it embarrassed them). So, in self-defense I want to do as much of this sorting while I can and live simply in my later years.

I'm a healthy 62-year-old and don't plan on dying soon. However, no one plans on dying soon but it happens. The bottom line is to let my children off the hook emotionally by giving them permission now to let these things go (and let go of most of them myself!).

Posted 2 years ago #
lynda
Member

I'm glad you mentioned genealogy research, Bobbi. It's one of my hobbies and I want to make sure that the work I have done and the photos and documents I have rescued will not be simply discarded once I go. One way is to make sure that scans are shared with family members who are interested. Another is to let people know what you're doing so that any other genealogist in the extended family may express an interest in carrying on the stewardship. For other non-precious documents, I'm plodding through my own boxes of paper to make the job easier for others, plus I'm trying to coach and assist my mother. At 81, she is still able to help, but as you say, things can change for all of us unexpectedly.

Posted 2 years ago #
Sky
Member

Bobbi, I agree with you. It took me years to handle my parents estate and decide what to keep, give to other family members and what to sell or toss. It was quite an ordeal. I am going through everything I own and uncluttering. I want to live simply and I want my children to have an easy time when I leave this place.

Posted 2 years ago #
Claycat
Member

Bobbi, I also agree. I'm 60. My mother is still alive at 92. She went through all of her stuff. Most of it is gone. There is very little left to deal with. Bless her! On the other hand, my MIL, who is still alive at 82, put off going through her stuff. Now she is in assisted living and really not inclined or able to deal with the junk. I was just starting to get a grip on my junk. Now I'm dealing with hers, too. I applaud you for dealing with it now.

Posted 2 years ago #
nellieb
Member

Today I donated a porcelain dog I bought at a gift shop in Gettysburg when I was 13 years old. (I am now 56.) It has been kept in a drawer from move to move and not been displayed in many, many years. I picked it up, showed it to my boyfriend, explained why I bought a figurine of a boxer (the first type of dog we had when I was a child), photographed it, and put it into the donate pile.

Why did I keep it so long?

I guess because it represented one of the few vacations my family took and so it became a symbol of that event. It was from childhood and I don't have that much from when I was young, probably because either my mother got rid of those things or because I did!

The photo is sufficient. I am not the same person I was when I purchased it. I prefer to dispose of my items rather than think of someone else doing so when I'm no longer able to give input.

During the last year, I've dealt with several estates and watched the difficulty the children endure in giving away or selling items from their parent's home. I am often brought in to assist with the process. One thing I do is remind them that their parent is not the actual item, that if it's important, they should take it home, and if not, they can take a photograph and let it go.

You can read about an emotional moment when I finally released an item I have had since the 70's on my blog, http://drawerbydrawer.wordpress.com/. What I did not write was that I spent an hour holding a bottle of old coconut oil, crying, because it provoked many different emotions within me.

Posted 2 years ago #
needtocleanhouse
Member

I just found this thread. I'll be reading and rereading it as I declutter my clothing storage closets. It'll really help with the growing through and letting go sadness process. I think I'll burn some cleansing sage while I'm at it too.

Posted 1 year ago #

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